Dancing on My Grave

In 1932 Mary Elizabeth Frye wrote a poem entitled “Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep.” It was written in haste to comfort a family friend and seems to be the only poem she ever wrote. Since then it has been read aloud at countless funerals. I am sure you have heard it. It begins:  “Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there; I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow….”

Do you recognize it? Chances are you do. There are different versions of it. You can read the history of the poem here. Many times during my ministry I have been asked to read this poem at a funeral or graveside service. I have always obliged the family. But the truth is I do not like the poem.

It is not the poem’s pantheistic spiritualism that bothers me. (“I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.”) I also experience the presence of Spirit in Nature, though not the presence of departed spirits. The reason I do not like the poem is because it sends the wrong message at a vulnerable time in people’s lives.

It feeds the unhealthy tendency of Americans to suppress emotions at times of grief. It instructs a grieving person not to cry (“Do not stand at my grave and weep”) when they may need to cry. Even Jesus wept at the grave of his friend Lazarus! The poem also encourages the denial of death ("Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die”) at exactly the time when a person needs to acknowledge the reality of death.

For that reason I have written an alternative poem. It is not as pretty and does not rhyme, which is apparently a prerequisite for a successful funeral poem. I am sure it will not go “viral” nor be read at thousands of funerals. But it does share the same mystical spirit as the other poem, with bit of humor added to lighten the mood.

I hope it will be read it my funeral (hint to my family to put a copy of this in a safe place!) in the far distant future, of course – after I live to be one hundred. I think I will give it the title “Go Ahead! Stand at my Grave and Weep!” Either that or “Dance on my Grave and Laugh.” I haven’t decided yet. Here it is:

Go ahead! Stand at my grave and weep!

If that’s what you want and need to do.

I will not frown or disapprove.

Tears are healing, expressions of a life well-loved.

So cry all you want, but then please … laugh!

Though death is real, it’s not the final word.

Our true nature is not born and cannot die.

The One who breathed life into flesh

Is with me now, and I in Him.

Dust turns to dust and ashes to ashes.

I return to the One from whom I came,

in whom I live and move and have my being.

So stand at my grave and cry all you want.

Then let out a hearty laugh and do a dance!

We are not born; we cannot die!